The Fight

For once it hasn't taken me an entire week to create a post! That's because this girl...has no life! 


Well, let me just tell you...today is the day of change.  


...Let me explain...


This will be the most challenging post to write about but I will do my very best! For a very long time, I've always struggled with my weight and appearance. I have always had low self esteem. I was the quiet girl in school that was called the 'angel' which is nice and all but it's only because I was too afraid to step out of my little bubble I created to keep from the thought of people judging me constantly. Don't get me wrong, I had my moments of being hyper in class and getting in trouble for talking, I had a boyfriend or two in high school, and I was the 2010 Homecoming Queen. I'm not the quiet, lonely girl in the corner completely!! However, my appearance and uneasiness in my own skin left me feeling like I needed to diet and work out to feel like a 'normal' teenager trying to fit in. I was the goalkeeper for the high school soccer team all four years...I was basically the shit. However, goalies are known for being burly which I was ...I was and still am not a petite fragile, little girl. I was and still am thick. I honestly cannot count on one hand how many times I have picked up and dropped a diet. It got to a certain point when I just dropped the whole 'diet' phase altogether...

                                                            Me on my graduation day


It was when my little brother was diagnosed with cancer my senior year of high school. I remember the morning I found out when my dad woke me up early to have a family meeting which we never have so immediately knew something was wrong.


"Your brother has cancer, Teresa."


"WTF?" went through my mind because if you know my brother, you know he is a healthy fit, strong football player. I would have never thought in a bazillion years! I just looked at my brother and he said, "It's okay Tee, you know I am strong and will get through this."


From that day, I have known how strong my brother is. However, I realized how weak I am considering the fact I pushed all my friends away because of what was happening in my family. Also and more importantly, I was weak because the amount of food I literally shoved into my mouth to get my focus off of the fact my brother is lying in a hospital bed with no hair on his face or head. Which in  fact, led to more problems!


I was battling even more with my weight!


At the end of my senior year, the same time I was accepted to the college I was dying to go to which was Northern Arizona University , we also were blessed with terrific news from my brothers doctor.


"Anthony, you're cancer free."


Those words sank into my heart, releasing an enormous amount of heartache and pain from my body that has been stored for several months. That being how I felt, I can't imagine the feeling my brother had at that moment.


In August of 2010, I was already to start my college life at NAU. I met so many amazing people, had many unforgettable times with my best friends; Melanie, Sarah, Sheridon, Brooke, and Imran. It was an amazing time. However, those amazing times conflicted with my not-so amazing grades. I thought long and hard about staying and not telling my parents how badly I was doing in school or just suck it up and put on my big girl panties and be somewhere that I can put my focus on school and my future. Well, that only left me going home to go to community college and living with the best Nana ever. Well, half of that happened...for a little while.

                                              Me, Brooke, Sheridon, Melanie, Sarah


I said my goodbyes to college friends and NAU and said hello to Alpine, ca.


I didn't realize coming home from NAU would be a complete shock and a feeling of lose. I suddenly, felt like a complete loser coming home from an amazing university with no job lined up or school. I had absolutely nothing. My friends were gone at college. My family members all have their own lives that won't stop because mine has. I just remember lying in my Nana's bed thinking, "good job Teresa, now what?"


Well, later that summer I spent sometime with my Grandma and Grandpa that are from Coalinga which is near Fresno. They offered me and best friend (not friend at all anymore) Bianca (name change because I'm not a complete asshole)  into their home to go to a Certified Nursing School that my Aunt Erin would get us into really easily. Well, it was easy and quick because a few weeks later we were scrambling to pack our bags and call Coalinga our home for 3 months!


It felt like the perfect thing; moving with my best friend, the chance to spend a lot of needed time with Grandma and Grandpa, cousins, and Aunties, also having the feeling that I am finally starting my nursing career. It was great...for awhile. I worked my ass off and finally was valedictorian of the CNA class which was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me because I have always just barely skimmed by the classes I take. So, basically I gained a lot of weight in Coalinga because late night snacks and a huge cup of sugary coffee while studying all night sounded very much needed at the time. Nutella and peanut butter sandwiches came into my life there and so did amazing Italian food that my amazing Chef Grandpa would cook up for us after a long day of clinicals. He's an amazing cook. I learned how to make delicious pizza from scratch because of him! I love me some Italian food!


Anyways, I should have been rolled off the stage after my valedictorian speech. I became even more uncomfortable in my skin. But you know what, I just became a CNA and I am valedictorian which is proving to everyone that 'hey I am a smart person after all!!!' so I am not going to let anyone bring me down. Until a few days later when I was sexually abused. This part puts a pain in the middle of stomach that might have to be a future post when I am ready for it. The abuse has brought me so many different emotions that has once again made me feel that food is my only cushion. Sometimes I feel like I am forcing a smile on my face to make myself 'normal' to everyone around me. Even doing that, I know I wasn't being or seeming normal to anyone. I would hear I don't have the 'sparkle in my eye anymore I used to have' or 'you aren't happy go lucky anymore'. If you have never met me, I was always smiling or laughing, I love making people feel good about themselves, and I am always going, going, going non stop. Now, I can literally lay on the couch all day long...that actually sounds like a good day to me. I felt nowhere near normal. I felt like a zombie following people around physically but mentally I am not really there. I more then ever do not feel comfortable in my own skin to the point I no longer where bikinis to the beach or swimming. I am NOT myself anymore and I am tired of this unfamiliar Teresa person!!!


So, today I woke up and prayed then thought "Teresa, you do not need to live like this anymore. You are almost 20 years old, healthy (somewhat), young, and have your whole life ahead of you. Make a change!!" Which reminds me, the last few months after the abuse I have been forcing myself to search for someone or something that can just take all the pain and sadness away. Well, I just all of a sudden realized....no one can take away what happen and no one can take away the pain. I kept praying, "please Lord, just send me that one guy that you created only for me to come into my life to tell me everything is going to be okay." Well, that's fricking cheesy now that I actually wrote it down just now. Please excuse my cheesiness. I would also pray the line from Forrest Gump, "Please God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away!" No, I have not found the man of my dreams nor have I become a bird.


Today being the day I decided to make a change I am packing up my clothes from my sisters and moving back to Nana's in a few days. I know the first thing on my list to fix me is to start working out and plan a diet that I can go long term with, not just the next 24 hours like I normally do. I am ready to get back to who I used to be and an even better me. A new, refreshed, and fit Teresa that has a brighter sparkle in my eye than before. I hope to give myself to people in ways that I can help any way possible. I want to become a stronger, happier person like my cancer survivor brother is today. To kick off this new chapter in my life that you are reading, I would like to announce I am getting my first membership at a gym in Alpine and will be planning a healthy food calender that I can find on Pinterest to pinspire me! I will be posting my success in my posts in the future along with my set back's because God knows there will be many of those!! Don't shy away because I promise I won't become that obnoxious person that announces everyday that I either gained or lost weight or how fat I am in all my pictures and the clothes I wear. Real talk-those people are *ucking annoying! This will be a healthy lifestyle change that I have needed for some time now.

                                     Nervous yet pumped for this new, challenging new chapter






I will someday post about the abuse and what I have learned from it when the time is right and when people want to hear about it. I hope to learn from it enough to make it into a positive message to teenage girls one day. That will be coming to you soon!! 


Thanks for reading my life story, keep in touch everyone(: